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Is the Husband the Head of His Wife?

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Since time immemorial, men and women have been trying to get along, and the results have been occasionally spectacular but often mixed.

Even if you accept that men and women are equal in grace, there are undeniable differences between the genders. What do these differences mean, and how do they affect the way we relate to each other? Do they illuminate that ancient question of who’s the boss?

Who’s the boss?

Indeed they do, said Aristotle.

Since women are excitable, while men are cool, calm and collected, wives need the steady hand of their husbands to guide them. An ideal marriage, said the philosopher, is one where the rational man rules his emotional wife the same way a soul rules its body.

“What nonsense,” said the Apostle Paul. “A man is not the soul of a marriage. He’s the head” (1 Cor. 11:3, Eph. 5:23).

But what does that mean?

According to the English theologian Matthew Poole, it means the husband is in charge:

The man is called the head of the woman, because by God’s ordinance he is to rule over her. He has an excellency above the woman, and a power over her.

Like Aristotle, Poole believed the husband to be superior to the wife for the same reason that “the head in the natural body, being the seat of reason, and the fountain of sense and motion, is more excellent than the rest of the body.”

Albert Barnes, an American theologian, said that the headship of the husband meant the complete subjection of the wife.

In all circumstances—in her demeanor, her dress, her conversation, in public and in the family circle—(she) should recognize her subordination to him.

For 2,000 years, theologians have been parroting Aristotle’s dribble about husbands being the rational rulers of their marriages. Wives are delicate creatures, easily upset. They need the cool-headed authority of their superior husbands.

But Jesus said no such thing, and nor did the apostles.

When Paul said the husband is the head of the wife, he did not mean he is the king or the boss of the home. He was talking about actual heads, like the one found on the top of your neck.

“Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies” (Eph. 5:28). Just as a head supports the body, the body supports the head. Paul was talking about the unity of marriage and how husbands and wives are mutually dependent.

For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. (Eph. 5:23)

Paul is not saying husbands are their wives’ saviors; Christ alone is our Savior. But the manner in which Christ saves—by laying down his body for the church—is the manner in which a husband serves his wife.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. (Eph. 5:25)

Just as the love of God is revealed in a death, biblical headship is revealed in sacrifice. In the same way that Christ gave himself up for the church, the husband gives himself up for his wife. He crawls through traffic, fights grizzly bears, and catches bullets for her.

The husband puts his wife’s needs and interests ahead of his own because he values her more highly than his own life.

Source: The Silent Queen.

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What does the Bible say about Women Pastors?

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Can women pastor? Feed this question into Google, and you’ll be led to a bunch of websites that say no, women cannot pastor or lead churches. Which goes to show you that you shouldn’t believe everything you read on the internet. (Yes, I appreciate the irony.) Under the old covenant, only men could be priests, but gender distinctions have no place in the new creation. This is why so many prominent women are named in the New Testament. And this is why Saul locked them up along with the men. Christian women in the first-century led from the front, and they got arrested for doing so. In the Old Testament, women were largely non-speaking extras on the stage of history. But when Jesus showed up, he listened to women and he made sure their voices were heard. Consequently, the early church had female apostles, pastors, prophets, evangelists and teachers. Since the Bible offers an emphatic and positive answer to the question above, why do so many people think women cannot lead or pastor churches? There are a dozen reasons, all of them wrong: 1. “Women can’t lead because Paul said women must be silent in church.” Except he didn’t say [...]

What a Difference a Word Can Make

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We Christians are very good at drawing bad conclusions from good scriptures.

This happens when we read a verse out of context. Sometimes it can happen because we miss one single word.

Misread the Bible and you’ll end up with all sorts of screwy ideas. You’ll think we cleanse ourselves by confessing sins or that God gives Satan permission to thrash us or sift us. You’ll believe that we can incur God’s divine wrath by doing communion wrong and that he occasionally kills some of us to keep the rest of us in line.

Even a tiny error can lead to a lot of trouble, and there may be no better example than the one I’m about to give you.

The missing “what?”

It is possible to read the Bible without getting confused, but it helps to have a good Bible. No translation is perfect, but sometimes Bible translations are flat out wrong. Allow me to demonstrate.

Got a Bible handy? Open it to 1 Corinthians 14:36 and look at the first word in that verse. It should be “What?” Here’s a pic from the KJV:

The word “What?” is absolutely essential to this passage for it captures Paul’s reaction to the Corinthians’ suggestion that women should stay silent in church.

A little context: The first letter to Corinthians consists of Paul’s answers to their questions. Since women were forbidden by law from speaking in both Greek cities and Jewish synagogues, the Corinthians wondered if women should be allowed to speak in church. In 1 Corinthians 14:34-35 Paul repeats their question before giving his reply in verse 36:

What? Came the word of God out from you? Or came it unto you only?

Paul’s reaction is one of shock and utter incredulity. He can’t believe what the Corinthians are suggesting. When he read their letter, he probably looked something like this:

With thanks to Rembrandt

Paul’s response to the sexist Corinthians is perfectly captured in the Source New Testament:

Utter rubbish! Did the Word of God come originally from you! Utter rubbish! Were you the only ones that it reached! (1 Cor 14:36)

The cockamamie suggestion that half the church should stay silent riled Paul. You can almost hear him shouting his reply. Or you would if English Bibles quoted him properly.

Many Bibles, such as the ESV, ISV, NASB, NIV, NKJV, and the NLT, dilute Paul’s reaction by omitting his exclamatory “what?” Paul wrote it, but they didn’t translate it. They left it out.

Other translations, such as the AKJV, AMP, ASV, BBE, and the KJV, do have the “what?” (Check it out for yourself.)

To be fair, the original Greek word is hard to translate. It is a disjunctive particle, easily overlooked. But the same word is found at the start of 1 Cor. 11:22 (“What! Do you not have houses in which to eat and drink?”), and there it is often translated by Bibles that omit it in 1 Cor. 14:36.

I find this puzzling. If Paul’s exclamatory “What?” is recorded in 1 Cor 11:22, why is it left out of 1 Cor. 14:36? It’s the same word in both cases.

Learning from sexist Greeks

The apostle Paul was a man of passion and conviction. If you said something he disagreed with or if you did something stupid like got drunk at communion, he’d let you know what he thought.

The Corinthians are infamous for being less-than-perfect Christians. They said stupid things about women and they got drunk at communion. We should be glad they did because we got some brilliant wisdom from Paul in response to their stupidity.

But we’re the stupid ones if we talk and act like the Corinthians instead of heeding what Paul said to the Corinthians.

For nearly 2000 years, women have been told they can’t speak in church. They can’t teach or testify, and God help them if they want to preach. If a woman really must speak, let her do it with her husband or a male elder standing by, but watch out for lightning bolts. God won’t be pleased!

It’s ridiculous, yet you’d be surprised how many people teach this sexist swill. Why do they do it? Most say women must be silent because it’s in the Bible. (It isn’t.) Others say women must be silent because they don’t have a Biblical view of women. Like the Corinthians, they’ve bought into a Greek worldview wrapped up in religious tradition. They’ve taken a piece of verse out of context and fashioned a great big muzzle for women. It’s disgraceful; the shame of the church.

Let’s be clear: Paul never said women should be silent in church. Not once. In fact, he repeatedly told the Corinthians that women should be encouraged to speak up and participate in church (see 1 Cor. 12:7, 14:5, 26, 31, 39).

So the next time some misguided soul tells you that women should be silent in church, do what Paul did and hit them with a disjunctive particle.

“What?!”

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Equality is not the Goal

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Rebekah at the Well, by Michael Deas

You probably know that I have written a book about women. You may be wondering about my agenda.

“What are Paul’s views on gender roles? Is he a complementarian or an egalitarian? Does he support traditional arrangements where the man is in charge or does he promote equality?”

Full disclosure: I believe in the equality of the new creation.

It is my conviction that if we are to return to God’s ways, and follow the example set by Jesus, equality and mutual respect are essential. Black or white, male or female – all are precious in God’s eyes. All are equal in grace.

But I am not a rabid egalitarian. Let me explain.

On the one hand, I am convinced that equality protects us from the abuses of hierarchy and the misuse of authority. But on the other, I fear the dogged pursuit of equality can hinder authentic relationships.

The name of the game is love

Like a referee, equality is essential, but it’s not the game. Jesus never said his disciples would be known for their equality and sense of fair play. We are to be known for the way we serve, respect, and prefer one another. If we settle for equality, there’s a danger we will fall short of all that God has in store for us, particularly in our marriages.

So even though I believe in treating everyone equally, let me say that equality is not the goal; love is. And true love is so other-focused, that equality doesn’t come into it.

In an essay entitled “Equality,” C.S. Lewis compared equality to medicine, which is good when we are ill, but is otherwise no good at all. As medicine is no substitute for nourishing food, equality is not the substance of love and life.

Have as much equality as you please—the more the better—in our marriage laws, but at some level consent to inequality, nay, delight in inequality, (as) an erotic necessity…. Let us wear equality; but let us undress every night.

A good marriage is a partnership between equals who ironically don’t see themselves as equal. The husband loves his wife more than his own life, and the wife submits to her husband as to the Lord. Each prefers the other to themselves.

In such a marriage, there is no score-keeping to ensure both partners are pulling their weight. Rather, each aspires to love at all times and excel in the gentle grace of giving.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. (Ephesians 4:2)

Equality in the new creation

To see how well you’re getting this, let me ask one of the most provocative questions around: Should wives submit to their husbands? There are three ways to answer this question.

The traditional answer is that wives should always submit because “it’s commanded in scripture.”

However, this approach leads to imbalanced and unhappy marriages that are burdened with the heavy yoke of law. Even if the husband is a good leader and the wife a good follower, the pursuit of intimacy will be frustrated by the partitioning of the partnership.

How can they be truly together while he’s up there and she’s down here? The horns of hierarchy can only add discord to the marriage melody.

The egalitarian answer is that wives should never submit because doing so leads to abuse and the perpetuation of patriarchy.

However, the egalitarian response, like the traditional one, undermines a marriage for it replaces one law (submission) with another (equality), and any law will minister death.

This may come as a shock to those in the egalitarian camp, but the pursuit of equality can shipwreck your marriage. A woman who is mindful of boundaries and maintaining her position may never experience abuse, but nor will she experience authentic love. How can she when her heart is constantly guarded?

The third and biblical answer to this question is that husbands and wives who freely submit to each other—who are tolerant, tender-hearted, kind and caring, always seeking to edify and serve the other—infuse their marriage with the sweet fragrance of Jesus. In their union, they experience heaven on earth.

Traditional and egalitarian marriages may get a taste, but they never enjoy the full riches of heavenly submission. How can they, when love is demanded rather than given?

A wife who demands respect from her husband denies him the joy of giving it, and in denying him that freedom, she undermines her marriage.

But a wife who dares to surrender, who gives respect and trusts her husband, will inspire him to joyfully go all in. Her vulnerability will empower him to love far more than he might have accomplished on his own because we this is what we were made for.

Equality is not the end game in the war on gender discrimination; it’s the starting point for the new creation. Equality is a good thing, but what we do with it is far more important.

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Do you have a Biblical View of Women?

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In the church, you will encounter two views about women. There is the traditional view (women should be meek, stay-at-home-mothers) and the so-called progressive view (women can do anything men can do).

Which view is Biblical?

I suspect most people would say the traditional view. Many churchgoers believe that the Bible calls women to be subservient and silent housewives.

Most people would be wrong.

What we call the traditional view comes not from scripture, but ancient Greece. It was the pagan philosophers of Athens who said the ideal wife was silent and subservient, and their views were exported around the world in a process known as Hellenization.

The alternative idea that women are equal with men and can do anything they put their mind to is the older idea. It was articulated by our Creator in Genesis 1 and modelled throughout the Bible.

What we call “traditional” should really be labelled a perversion of God’s original plan for partnership. As we will see, the traditional view is demeaning to women, harmful to families and thoroughly unscriptural.

What follows are four brief comparisons of the Greek and Biblical perspectives. Extended quotes and sources can be found in the 10-page study note “A Biblical View of Women” that accompanies this article (it’s free).

The Greeks: Women are meant to serve men
The Bible: Husbands and wives submit to each other

Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle all taught that women are inferior to men. And because they are inferior, women should be ruled by men. “The male is by nature superior and the female inferior; the male ruler and the female subject,” said Aristotle.

The Greek-speaking Jews of the first century felt the same way. Josephus the historian said, “A woman is inferior to her husband in all things. Let her therefore be obedient to him.”

However, the Bible teaches that women are in no way inferior. Both male and female were made in the image of God.

If you want to know what God thinks of women, look at how Jesus related to them. Jesus treated women with kindness and respect. He even trained them, which was something no Greek or Jewish teacher did.

Misguided men have been oppressing women from the beginning, but male privilege has no place in the new creation. “There is neither male nor female, for all are one in Christ Jesus” (Gal. 3:28).

The Greeks: A woman’s place is at home
The Bible: Men and women are to rule and reign and fill the earth

The philosophers and rabbis believed that only men could work, but this division of labor is not found in the Bible. God told the first man and woman they had been created to rule and reign together, and the Bible records many women who worked outside home.

Jesus encountered many women in his travels and not once did he send them home. He included women in his company of disciples, and he welcomed Mary when she left the kitchen to sit at his feet.

The Apostle Paul praised several women who he identified as colaborers in the gospel. Some of these, like Phoebe and Priscilla, travelled internationally. Others, like Junia, had such prominent ministries that they went to prison for preaching the gospel.

Raising children is a noble occupation, but the traditional view that a woman has no options besides being a homemaker is more pagan than biblical. In the Bible, both fathers and mothers are called to be active in the raising of children, and all of us are encouraged to fan into flame the gifts God has given us.

The Greeks: Women must be silent in the assemblies
The Bible: Men and women are encouraged to speak

The Greeks forbade women from speaking in public assemblies and the Hellenized Jews agreed. “It is a shame for a woman to let her voice be heard among men,” says the Talmud. Many today make the same error even though there are more than two dozen New Testament scriptures encouraging women NOT to be silent in church.

When the Jewish and Greek Christians of Corinth asked Paul whether women should be silent in church, he replied, “What? Are you out of your mind?” Paul rebuked the Corinthians for even contemplating such a thing and reminded them that “when you come together each of you can bring a hymn, a word, a tongue, an interpretation.”

The Greeks: Women cannot lead
The Bible: Anyone can lead if they are going in the right direction

In the pantheon of Greek philosophers, women are notably absent. Yet in the Bible we find many courageous women who led, and this was particularly true in the New Testament.

According to John Chrysostom, the women of the early church “were more spirited than lions, sharing with the Apostles their labors for the Gospel’s sake.”

The early Christians were well-acquainted with female prophets, female apostles, and female pastors. In the final chapter of his letter to the Romans, Paul named ten people involved in ministry in one form or another, and seven of them were women.

Jesus encouraged women to lead, and for a while they did. Then in the 364AD, the Council of Laodicea banned the appointment of women leaders. Jesus encouraged his disciples to let their light shine, but after the fourth century Christ’s female followers had their gifts hidden under a patriarchal bushel.

A biblical view of womanhood

The philosophers and rabbis are responsible for some of the worst ideas we’ve inherited about women. As a result of their sexist swill, many women have been kept silent and sidelined, and the world is poorer for it.

“There should be no division in the body,” said the Apostle Paul, and so say all who have been baptized into Christ. Indeed, is this not the test of our fellowship, that we esteem those the world deems weak and womanly, while giving greater honor to the parts that lack it?

We who have learned to see through the eyes of Christ no longer regard anyone from a fallen, or Greek, point of view.

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For sources and supporting material, check out Paul’s full-length study note “A Biblical View of Women.”

Paul’s new book The Silent Queen is now available on Audible and other audiobook outlets.

Why the Woman of Proverbs 31 may not be your Ideal Wife

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Many men and women have a mental list describing their ideal partner. “She’s got to be a good cook, enjoy watching sports, and not be a nag.” “He’s got to have a steady job, a nice car, and a mother who lives far away.” Some even invoke a Biblical basis for this sort of wish list. “Proverbs says, ‘He who finds a wife finds a good thing’ (Pro. 18:22). I’ve got to find a good wife. It’s in the Bible!” Okay. But what makes a good wife? Is the ideal wife a soul mate or a servant? A partner or a parlor maid? A woman will say she’s searching for the right man and a man will say he’s searching for the right woman, but who is the right man or woman? What are they like? How would you recognize them? “Easy question,” says the Christian man. “The perfect wife is the woman of Proverbs 31.” For many men, the woman described at the end of the book of Proverbs represents the ideal partner. It’s not hard to see why. This woman is wise, strong, industrious, entrepreneurial, and—this is the good part—she earns her own money. This excellent woman is [...]

Why the Church is Wrong about Women

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How would you rate the most influential people in history? This question is behind an ongoing study run by MIT’s Media Lab. A while back the folks at MIT reported that the most influential person in history was the Greek philosopher Aristotle. In second place was Plato, third was Jesus, and fourth was Socrates. Alexander the Great ranked fifth. Why does this matter? It matters because four of the five most influential people in history believed that women are inferior to men. And those four men had a profound influence on the way the church views women. An incubator for sexual discrimination The city of Athens gave us the most influential philosophers of western civilization. Men like Socrates, Xenophon, Plato and Aristotle laid the foundations for much of what we believe about women. Which is a crying shame. Socrates was relatively progressive in his beliefs that women should be educated, but he also said that women were inferior to men. In his Republic he opined that “all the pursuits of men are the pursuits of women also, but in all of them a woman is inferior to a man.” Plato and his student Aristotle both taught that women were inferior to [...]

Jesus listened to women; why don’t we?

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This one is going out to all those who’ve told me they would never listen to a woman or follow a woman because it’s unbiblical, unseemly, or because women’s voices are too high-pitched. Take a breath, folks. Look at what Jesus did. Go and do likewise… When Jesus walked the earth, gender inequality was so entrenched in Jewish society that an adulteress could be stoned without trial and men could divorce their wives for virtually any reason. In a nation of God-fearing and moral men, women were considered little more than property. They were servants whose place was in the kitchen or the field. Some of the religious leaders taught that women were ignorant, yet there was no point teaching them because they had weak minds. Since women were untrustworthy chatterboxes, their testimony had little value in a court of law. Then along came Jesus. Jesus encountered all sorts of women, good and bad. Yet unlike the rabbis and the philosophers, he never diminished their humanity. Instead, he treated them with respect and kindness. By including women in all that he did, Jesus provided us with a prophetic picture of the kingdom come. He showed us the world as it [...]

Is the church too feminine?

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I have been blown away by the positive response to my forthcoming book, The Silent Queen: Why the Church Needs Women to find their Voice.

Although the book doesn’t come out until Christmas, I thought you’d might like a taste now. The following article has been cut from the Introduction…

Women arriving at the tomb, by He Qi

Since its inception, the church has championed the rights of women. It has done this by opposing polygamy, incest, and underage marriage; promoting women’s education; caring for widows and orphans; and proclaiming the dignity of every person.

While the pagan world was visiting upon women every form of injustice and depravity known to man, the church was providing a refuge and a hope for a better future. This is a track record we can be proud of.

But do women in the church enjoy the same opportunities as men?

Women make up more than half of the church but account for less than ten percent of its senior leaders.

In the church we allow women to minister a hundred different ways—they serve in the crèche, sing in the choir, and cook the potluck dinners—but we don’t allow them to lead.

Which is surprising, because studies reveal that many of us have no problem accepting female priests or pastors in theory. But in practice, it’s a different story. Even churches that aren’t opposed to women in leadership are reluctant to hire them because doing so can lead to division and strife.

There is no question the church has made positive strides in recognizing women in leadership. Up until the 1950s, there were very few women in recognized ministry. But any positive trend has been mostly at the grassroots level. In the Catholic Church, for instance, women lay ministers are common, but women priests are not. In the American Protestant Church, only nine percent of senior protestant pastors are women.

From time to time, some report will come out in the Christian media trumpeting the rapid growth in the percentage of female pastors or preachers. “Number of clergywomen has exponentially increased over last two decades,” claimed a recent headline in The Christian Post. But when your starting point is zero, any increase looks good.

The fact is we are not remotely close to achieving parity. Maybe in another hundred years. Maybe my granddaughters’ granddaughters will see it.

Perhaps God has given you the ability to preach and teach. Maybe you have a story to tell or a desire to lead. But if you are a woman who desires to be faithful to the call of God, you can expect opposition in the form of religious tradition.

You will be told you can share but not preach. You can speak in the small group but not the large one. You can serve coffee but not communion. You need a husband or some sort of male covering. You better not wear trousers and for heaven’s sake don’t show emotion. Break these rules and you will be marginalized, silenced, and branded a Jezebel.

It is sometimes remarked that the modern church is excessively feminine, which is ironic given the way we treat women. We fret about the shortage of men in the pews but give no thought to the absence of women in the pulpit.

We bend over backwards to attract new men but do little to promote the women who are already here.

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Submission doesn’t mean what you think it means

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Image: Pixabay

Bad theology hurts women. Sometimes it even kills them.

In his book Ten Lies the Church Tells Women, Lee Grady tells the story of a woman called Doris who suffered through an abusive marriage. Doris’s husband, the head deacon at their church, would sometimes come home from work in a rage and physically assault his wife.

For a long time, Doris said nothing. But after the violence began to escalate, she turned to their pastor for help.

“He’s your husband,” said the pastor. “You can’t leave him. He has authority over you. You must be making him angry.”

Doris meekly returned home believing that she was somehow responsible for the abuse she was suffering. Nothing changed. Her husband continued to beat her, and eventually, he killed her.

Doris’s story is hardly unique. I have had female readers tell me similar stories. “My husband was abusive, but my church said I had to forgive him and stay with him.” And I’ve had male readers say similar things as well, but not as many.

Grady reports that in the United States, religious homes are ranked second highest in incidents of domestic abuse. Only the homes of alcoholics are worse.

Why do so many religious men abuse their wives? It might have something to do with this verse:

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. (Eph. 5:22)

This scripture is part of a two-punch combination that misguided men have inflicted upon women. Apparently, Ephesians 5 says wives must submit to abusive husbands, while Matthew 5 says they can never walk away.

Of course, these scriptures say no such thing. But read them through a patriarchal lens and you’ll think they do.

Unhealthy submission

“Let women be subject to their husbands as to a lord.” That’s how Thomas Aquinas read Ephesians 5. Aquinas said the relationship between a husband and a wife is “like that of a master to his servant.”

Although the husband is not really a lord, his wife submits to him as though he were.

Many Church Fathers and theologians taught that wives are meant to serve their husbands. Augustine said, “It is the natural order among people that women serve their husbands and children their parents, because the justice of this lies in that the lesser serves the greater.”

The first duty of a wife, said the Puritan John Dod (1549–1645), is to fear her husband. Her second duty, “is constant obedience and subjection… she must resolve to obey him in all things.”

Although the trend these days is towards equality in marriage, much of the Christian world remains committed to traditional roles of hierarchy. And this is understandable, because Paul told wives to submit to their husbands. It’s right there in black and white.

Submit.

For some, this is the most dangerous word in the Bible. It’s medieval. It opens the door to all kinds of abuse. Surely no other word has been the cause of as much physical and psychological damage.

But is it possible that submit does not mean what we think it means?

Could it be that this word, like the words repent, confess, obedience, and love, has been so mangled by manmade tradition that it no longer bears any resemblance to its original meaning?

Submission, as modeled by Jesus and described by Paul, stems from love, not power. Submission is not forced on us from above; it is something we offer to another. It’s choosing to surrender because we want to, not because we have to.

We yield to the other because we love and respect them. Indeed, submission is the essence of love. It is saying, “Because I love you, I choose to put you first.”

The apostle we read at weddings

This weekend, at weddings all over the world, thousands of people will hear the following words from the Apostle Paul: “Love is patient, love is kind, love is not self-seeking” (1 Cor. 13:4–5).

On the subject of love, there was no greater authority. Paul understood that true love does not seek its own, but is other-focused. Love says, “How can I put the needs of the one I love ahead of my own needs? How can I put the other one first?”

The choice to freely give yourself to another human being—a husband, a wife, a child, a friend—for no other reason than you love them, is a tremendous risk. In fact, it is probably the greatest risk you can take. But when you have someone you truly love, you’ll happily take the risk because you love them.

And if they happen to love you back—well, there’s no greater thrill in the world.

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“Sounds great, Paul, but what if the husband is abusive?” For answers to tough questions like this and practical tips for a heavenly marriage, check out my latest ebook, Should Wives Submit to their Husbands? What if he’s a Jerk? Available now for monthly supporters on Patreon and Donorbox.

Who submits in marriage?

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When Camilla and I were writing our wedding vows, my future wife told me that she had a problem with the word submit. We had dug up some traditional vows based on Ephesians 5:22: “I promise to love, cherish and submit to my husband as to the Lord.”

“I’m not going to say that,” said Camilla.

I didn’t really think she would. Danish women are fiercely independent. They don’t submit to anyone anywhere.

In the end, we opted for a watered-down version of that passage. But if we were to redo our vows today, neither one of us would have a problem saying the word submit. In fact, we would relish it because we have learned the true meaning of submission.

What does it mean to submit?

When we think of submission, we tend to think of the strong dominating the weak. We picture wrestling holds and being beaten into submission. We think of kings ruling over subjects, and husbands lording it over wives. But this is not the sort of submission that Paul is talking about in Ephesians 5.

Want to know what submission is really like? Look to that wonderful union we recognize as the Godhead. See God the Son submitting in all things to God the Father. See God the Father giving the Son a Name above all names. See the Son bragging about the Spirit, and the Spirit testifying of the Son.

Surely submission is one of God’s most beautiful ideas. It is the very essence of other-focused love.

Who submits?

In a marriage, who submits to whom? Do husbands submit or wives?

Many churchgoers familiar with Ephesians 5 would say that wives submit, but the biblical answer is both. “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Eph. 5:21). Husbands put wives first, wives put husbands first, and that’s the recipe for a happy marriage.

At least that’s the theory.

In reality, what sometimes happens is that only one of the partners submits, and the result is an imbalanced relationship. Whenever you have a meek wife submitting to a domineering husband or a gentle man yielding to a strong-willed woman, you have a marriage that’s out of whack. It will take considerable effort from the long-suffering partner to keep the marriage going.

And this is why Paul speaks to both husbands and wives.

Like a director dispensing lines in a play, he wants both actors to understand their roles. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved his church, and wives are to respect and submit to their husbands, as to the Lord.

As long as the husband concerns himself with his part, and the wife concerns herself with hers, all will be well. But as soon as the husband starts reminding the wife of her lines—“Woman, submit!”—there will be trouble.

And trouble there is, because the church teaches only half of Paul’s message. It tells wives to submit but it rarely says the same thing to husbands. Which is surprising because in Ephesians the emphasis is the other way around. Paul spends more time talking to husbands than to wives. Wives get three verses; husbands get nine.

If we are to teach submission, let us do it the way Paul did it. Let us right the imbalances of history by encouraging men to lead the way.

—

Extracted from Paul’s latest ebook, Should Wives Submit to their Husbands? What if he’s a Jerk? available now for monthly supporters on Patreon and Donorbox.

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