GRACE BLOGS COLLECTION
Since time immemorial, men and women have been trying to get along, and the results have been occasionally spectacular but often mixed.
Even if you accept that men and women are equal in grace, there are undeniable differences between the genders. What do these differences mean, and how do they affect the way we relate to each other? Do they illuminate that ancient question of who’s the boss?
Indeed they do, said Aristotle.
Since women are excitable, while men are cool, calm and collected, wives need the steady hand of their husbands to guide them. An ideal marriage, said the philosopher, is one where the rational man rules his emotional wife the same way a soul rules its body.
“What nonsense,” said the Apostle Paul. “A man is not the soul of a marriage. He’s the head” (1 Cor. 11:3, Eph. 5:23).
But what does that mean?
According to the English theologian Matthew Poole, it means the husband is in charge:
The man is called the head of the woman, because by God’s ordinance he is to rule over her. He has an excellency above the woman, and a power over her.
Like Aristotle, Poole believed the husband to be superior to the wife for the same reason that “the head in the natural body, being the seat of reason, and the fountain of sense and motion, is more excellent than the rest of the body.”
Albert Barnes, an American theologian, said that the headship of the husband meant the complete subjection of the wife.
In all circumstances—in her demeanor, her dress, her conversation, in public and in the family circle—(she) should recognize her subordination to him.
For 2,000 years, theologians have been parroting Aristotle’s dribble about husbands being the rational rulers of their marriages. Wives are delicate creatures, easily upset. They need the cool-headed authority of their superior husbands.
But Jesus said no such thing, and nor did the apostles.
When Paul said the husband is the head of the wife, he did not mean he is the king or the boss of the home. He was talking about actual heads, like the one found on the top of your neck.
“Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies” (Eph. 5:28). Just as a head supports the body, the body supports the head. Paul was talking about the unity of marriage and how husbands and wives are mutually dependent.
For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. (Eph. 5:23)
Paul is not saying husbands are their wives’ saviors; Christ alone is our Savior. But the manner in which Christ saves—by laying down his body for the church—is the manner in which a husband serves his wife.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. (Eph. 5:25)
Just as the love of God is revealed in a death, biblical headship is revealed in sacrifice. In the same way that Christ gave himself up for the church, the husband gives himself up for his wife. He crawls through traffic, fights grizzly bears, and catches bullets for her.
The husband puts his wife’s needs and interests ahead of his own because he values her more highly than his own life.
Source: The Silent Queen.
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Rebekah at the Well, by Michael Deas
You probably know that I have written a book about women. You may be wondering about my agenda.
“What are Paul’s views on gender roles? Is he a complementarian or an egalitarian? Does he support traditional arrangements where the man is in charge or does he promote equality?”
Full disclosure: I believe in the equality of the new creation.
It is my conviction that if we are to return to God’s ways, and follow the example set by Jesus, equality and mutual respect are essential. Black or white, male or female – all are precious in God’s eyes. All are equal in grace.
But I am not a rabid egalitarian. Let me explain.
On the one hand, I am convinced that equality protects us from the abuses of hierarchy and the misuse of authority. But on the other, I fear the dogged pursuit of equality can hinder authentic relationships.
The name of the game is love
Like a referee, equality is essential, but it’s not the game. Jesus never said his disciples would be known for their equality and sense of fair play. We are to be known for the way we serve, respect, and prefer one another. If we settle for equality, there’s a danger we will fall short of all that God has in store for us, particularly in our marriages.
So even though I believe in treating everyone equally, let me say that equality is not the goal; love is. And true love is so other-focused, that equality doesn’t come into it.
In an essay entitled “Equality,” C.S. Lewis compared equality to medicine, which is good when we are ill, but is otherwise no good at all. As medicine is no substitute for nourishing food, equality is not the substance of love and life.
Have as much equality as you please—the more the better—in our marriage laws, but at some level consent to inequality, nay, delight in inequality, (as) an erotic necessity…. Let us wear equality; but let us undress every night.
A good marriage is a partnership between equals who ironically don’t see themselves as equal. The husband loves his wife more than his own life, and the wife submits to her husband as to the Lord. Each prefers the other to themselves.
In such a marriage, there is no score-keeping to ensure both partners are pulling their weight. Rather, each aspires to love at all times and excel in the gentle grace of giving.
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. (Ephesians 4:2)
Equality in the new creation
To see how well you’re getting this, let me ask one of the most provocative questions around: Should wives submit to their husbands? There are three ways to answer this question.
The traditional answer is that wives should always submit because “it’s commanded in scripture.”
However, this approach leads to imbalanced and unhappy marriages that are burdened with the heavy yoke of law. Even if the husband is a good leader and the wife a good follower, the pursuit of intimacy will be frustrated by the partitioning of the partnership.
How can they be truly together while he’s up there and she’s down here? The horns of hierarchy can only add discord to the marriage melody.
The egalitarian answer is that wives should never submit because doing so leads to abuse and the perpetuation of patriarchy.
However, the egalitarian response, like the traditional one, undermines a marriage for it replaces one law (submission) with another (equality), and any law will minister death.
This may come as a shock to those in the egalitarian camp, but the pursuit of equality can shipwreck your marriage. A woman who is mindful of boundaries and maintaining her position may never experience abuse, but nor will she experience authentic love. How can she when her heart is constantly guarded?
The third and biblical answer to this question is that husbands and wives who freely submit to each other—who are tolerant, tender-hearted, kind and caring, always seeking to edify and serve the other—infuse their marriage with the sweet fragrance of Jesus. In their union, they experience heaven on earth.
Traditional and egalitarian marriages may get a taste, but they never enjoy the full riches of heavenly submission. How can they, when love is demanded rather than given?
A wife who demands respect from her husband denies him the joy of giving it, and in denying him that freedom, she undermines her marriage.
But a wife who dares to surrender, who gives respect and trusts her husband, will inspire him to joyfully go all in. Her vulnerability will empower him to love far more than he might have accomplished on his own because we this is what we were made for.
Equality is not the end game in the war on gender discrimination; it’s the starting point for the new creation. Equality is a good thing, but what we do with it is far more important.
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Bad theology hurts women. Sometimes it even kills them.
In his book Ten Lies the Church Tells Women, Lee Grady tells the story of a woman called Doris who suffered through an abusive marriage. Doris’s husband, the head deacon at their church, would sometimes come home from work in a rage and physically assault his wife.
For a long time, Doris said nothing. But after the violence began to escalate, she turned to their pastor for help.
“He’s your husband,” said the pastor. “You can’t leave him. He has authority over you. You must be making him angry.”
Doris meekly returned home believing that she was somehow responsible for the abuse she was suffering. Nothing changed. Her husband continued to beat her, and eventually, he killed her.
Doris’s story is hardly unique. I have had female readers tell me similar stories. “My husband was abusive, but my church said I had to forgive him and stay with him.” And I’ve had male readers say similar things as well, but not as many.
Grady reports that in the United States, religious homes are ranked second highest in incidents of domestic abuse. Only the homes of alcoholics are worse.
Why do so many religious men abuse their wives? It might have something to do with this verse:
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. (Eph. 5:22)
This scripture is part of a two-punch combination that misguided men have inflicted upon women. Apparently, Ephesians 5 says wives must submit to abusive husbands, while Matthew 5 says they can never walk away.
Of course, these scriptures say no such thing. But read them through a patriarchal lens and you’ll think they do.
Unhealthy submission
“Let women be subject to their husbands as to a lord.” That’s how Thomas Aquinas read Ephesians 5. Aquinas said the relationship between a husband and a wife is “like that of a master to his servant.”
Although the husband is not really a lord, his wife submits to him as though he were.
Many Church Fathers and theologians taught that wives are meant to serve their husbands. Augustine said, “It is the natural order among people that women serve their husbands and children their parents, because the justice of this lies in that the lesser serves the greater.”
The first duty of a wife, said the Puritan John Dod (1549–1645), is to fear her husband. Her second duty, “is constant obedience and subjection… she must resolve to obey him in all things.”
Although the trend these days is towards equality in marriage, much of the Christian world remains committed to traditional roles of hierarchy. And this is understandable, because Paul told wives to submit to their husbands. It’s right there in black and white.
Submit.
For some, this is the most dangerous word in the Bible. It’s medieval. It opens the door to all kinds of abuse. Surely no other word has been the cause of as much physical and psychological damage.
But is it possible that submit does not mean what we think it means?
Could it be that this word, like the words repent, confess, obedience, and love, has been so mangled by manmade tradition that it no longer bears any resemblance to its original meaning?
Submission, as modeled by Jesus and described by Paul, stems from love, not power. Submission is not forced on us from above; it is something we offer to another. It’s choosing to surrender because we want to, not because we have to.
We yield to the other because we love and respect them. Indeed, submission is the essence of love. It is saying, “Because I love you, I choose to put you first.”
The apostle we read at weddings
This weekend, at weddings all over the world, thousands of people will hear the following words from the Apostle Paul: “Love is patient, love is kind, love is not self-seeking” (1 Cor. 13:4–5).
On the subject of love, there was no greater authority. Paul understood that true love does not seek its own, but is other-focused. Love says, “How can I put the needs of the one I love ahead of my own needs? How can I put the other one first?”
The choice to freely give yourself to another human being—a husband, a wife, a child, a friend—for no other reason than you love them, is a tremendous risk. In fact, it is probably the greatest risk you can take. But when you have someone you truly love, you’ll happily take the risk because you love them.
And if they happen to love you back—well, there’s no greater thrill in the world.
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“Sounds great, Paul, but what if the husband is abusive?” For answers to tough questions like this and practical tips for a heavenly marriage, check out my latest ebook, Should Wives Submit to their Husbands? What if he’s a Jerk? Available now for monthly supporters on Patreon and Donorbox.