God intended for marriage to be between one man and one woman, but the fall of man opened the door to two evils; polygyny and patriarchy.

Polygyny replaces partnership

Adam’s offspring took multiple wives, a practice known as polygyny. (Polygyny is a kind of polygamy. The other kind—having multiple husbands—is known as polyandry.)

Polygyny was common among the ancients. A few generations after Adam, Lamech became the first recorded polygynist in history when he took two wives (Gen. 4:19). Jacob and Esau had two wives at the same time (Gen. 26:34, 28:8–9, 29:21–30, 32:22, 36:6), as did Samuel’s father Elkanah (1 Sam. 1:2).

King David was a polygynist (2 Sam. 3:2–5), while his son Solomon was the most infamous polygynist of all (1 Kgs. 11:3). Herod the Great, who tried to murder baby Jesus, had nine wives.

Interestingly, the Law of Moses legitimized polygyny but not polyandry. A man could have several wives, but a woman could not have several husbands (see Deu. 21:15). Josephus, the Jewish historian, noted it was a custom of the Jews to have many wives.

What does polygyny have to do with us?

The old custom of polygyny casts a shadow over the modern church whenever we discuss divorce. By failing to grasp the historical context of polygyny, we misread the words of Jesus when he spoke about divorce. And we misread what Paul said about elders having only one wife.

As a result, divorced people, and especially divorced women, are wrongly condemned as sinners. They are told they can’t lead and can’t teach and they definitely cannot remarry.

None of this is remotely Biblical.

Polygyny is obviously contrary to God’s plan for partnership because it exalts a husband above his wives. He is no longer an equal partner in a matched pair but a little king ruling his harem. He has become a patriarch.

And so does patriarchy

We honor the patriarchs of the Bible, and rightly so. But we must also acknowledge that any system where men hold all the power is contrary to God’s original plan of partnership.

Patriarchy literally means the rule of the father, and it is the oldest and most enduring form of gender discrimination. Patriarchy sounds benevolent, especially to those who have been raised by loving fathers. But its inherent imbalance can lead to the mistreatment of women.

Just ask Lot’s daughters what they thought of their father offering them to the lecherous men of Sodom (Gen. 19:8).

Or ask Hagar how she felt about being used as a surrogate mother before being fired by her employer Abraham (Gen. 16:3–4).

Or ask the Levite’s concubine what it was like to be offered to a mob of rapists (Jud. 19:25–28).

Nearly every culture practices some form of patriarchy, but scholars disagree over its origins. Some say patriarchy is a consequence of biology (women are stuck at home raising the kids while the men conquer the world). Others look to anthropological and historical causes.

But patriarchy comes straight out of Genesis 3. It’s a fruit of sin.

Patriarchy is oppressive to women, yet many Christian women accept it because they’ve been told it’s biblical.

“The husband is the head of the home and his wife is his helper.”

Such claims are derived from scripture, but they are no more biblical than slavery and genocide. The husband is the head of the marriage, but that does not make him the boss or his wife his valet.

A husband acts like a head by nurturing his wife in the same way Christ cares for his church. In a biblical marriage, both partners have authority over each other, both freely submit to the other out of love, and both let Jesus take the lead.

Patriarchy is demeaning to women, but patriarchy also hurts men. By weakening our queens it weakens our marriages and families. By silencing our wives, it makes it harder for us to hear God’s voice.

Patriarchy clips the wings of our partnerships and deprives us of countless blessings.

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Recently in New Zealand, there was a job advertisement calling for a couple to manage a holiday camp. According to the ad, the ideal wife would have knowledge of Microsoft Office, know how to work the telephone, and be “of a quiet disposition.”

The implication was that vocal or outspoken wives would not be suitable for the job.

The ad created no small stir because in New Zealand we consider ourselves egalitarian when it comes to women’s rights. In fact, it is against the law to discriminate on the basis of gender. (The man who placed the ad backpedaled in the face of public reaction.)

The ad was more amusing than harmful, but it raises an interesting question. How did we arrive at the notion that a good wife is a quiet wife?

“A silent wife is a gift from the Lord,” said Ben Sira, a Jewish scribe who lived 200 years before Christ. A man fortunate to be married to a good and silent wife “will live twice as long because of her” (Sirach 26:1, 14).

Sage advice. But from where did Ben Sira get this idea that the ideal wife is silent? Perhaps he got it from the story of Adam and Eve.

Eve was the first woman to speak in the Bible. She uttered a few sentences, then she never spoke again. Or at least, no more of her words were deemed worthy of being recorded.

“Better that she should not have spoken at all,” Ben Sira might have said. “For the little she did say led us into a world of hurt.”

He’s not wrong. Adam got into trouble, said God, because he listened to the voice of his wife (see Gen. 3:17).

Who was this Eve who spoke to the serpent?

Tradition tells us she was a temptress who seduced her husband into sin. At best, she was foolish; at worst, she was in cahoots with the devil. Look at any painting of Adam and Eve, and chances are she’s beguiling her husband with the forbidden fruit.

Bad, wicked Eve. She should’ve kept her mouth shut.

Like a good wife from the Lord.

Like a campground manager’s wife.

Would the real Eve please stand up?

We need to take another look at the first woman. The Bible says little about Eve, but the little it says is too important to miss.

Along with her husband, Eve was called by God to rule over the earth. Which means Eve was a queen. Indeed, she was the Queen and the mother of all the kings and queens who came after her.

Yet if you Google “queens of the Bible,” you will not find Eve’s name on any list of royalty. Why not? Maybe it’s because her name is stained with scandal. Eve was the queen who fell. She heeded the serpent and lost her right to reign.

Tradition tells us that Eve was alone when she was seduced by the devil. If her manly husband had been around, the crafty serpent would never had tried his dirty tricks.

Yet the lonely wife interpretation doesn’t square with the biblical account. When the serpent spoke to Eve, her husband was right there with her:

So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate. (Genesis 3:6)

So Eve can hardly shoulder all the blame for what happened next.

The serpent prevailed because the husband-wife partnership failed to recognize the danger they were in. At least Queen Eve tried to refute the liar. But acting alone, she was no match for the serpent’s cunning.

After the Fall, Eve seems to have been struck from the historical record. Almost nothing she says or does is recorded. Adam had sons who became city-builders and men of renown, but Eve and her daughters were shunted to the side.

Patriarchy replaces partnership

The men of ancient times were kings and conquerors, but the women did nothing worth writing about. After Eve, the words of no woman are recorded in scripture for more than a thousand years.

To the woman he said, “I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” (Genesis 3:16)

These are God’s words, but this was never God’s plan. God wanted Adam to rule with Eve, not over her. He wanted their partnership to bear fruit with joy, not pain.

In Genesis 1 we were ordained to be kings and queens, but in Genesis 3 we lost our crowns. The divinely-mandated partnership between men and women was dissolved by selfishness and sin. God offered us abundant life, but we chose death.

As a result of the Fall, Eve lost her identity and her voice. She went from being co-ruler to being ruled, from a queen to a subject.

“Your desire will be for your husband.” From now on, Eve would find value in the aid she gave to the men in her life. Her sense of self-worth would come from being a good wife and a hardworking mother.

“He will rule over you,” meaning Adam and his sons would have the last word and the final say. They would make the decisions and write the rules. They would create history while their wives raised their children.

Patriarchy in the church

Adam and Eve’s rebellion created an unequal division of labor that persists to this day. Even in the church.

Rank your top ten preachers and teachers and chances are most of them are men. Rank history’s most influential pastors, evangelists, missionaries, and authors, and you’ll get the same result.

The majority are men.

Where are the women? They’re either playing the supportive wife, or they’re sitting silently on the sidelines. For sure, there are notable exceptions, but women who speak with authority are notable precisely because they are exceptions.

Like the women who speak in the Bible, they’re in the minority.

God told Eve she was destined to reign, and one way we rule is by speaking. When the Creator spoke, his creative will shaped a formless and chaotic world. But Eve misspoke and became the silent queen.

Ever since the Fall, Eve’s daughters have been silenced by the men who rule them. “Don’t teach, don’t preach, but if you really must talk, be accountable to a man.”

The Fall of humanity was the worst thing that ever happened to us. God created a partnership of equals, but sin sent our world spiraling into a self-destructive tailspin of misogyny and discrimination. The consequences were catastrophic, even in the church.

But Jesus came to undo the harm and set things right. Jesus listened to women which is to say he encouraged them to speak. Those who followed him did likewise. Despite what you may have heard, the early church encouraged women to teach, preach, and lead.

A woman who speaks – who reveals the words and wisdom God gives her – is a gift from the Lord.

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More questions about Women:

• Should women remain silent in church?
• Are women permitted to teach?
• Are women more easily deceived?
• Did Jesus say adultery is the only grounds for divorce?
• Do you have a Biblical view of women?
• How did Jesus empower women?
• Are women weaker vessels?
• Are women saved through childbearing?
• If a women can’t be a husband, she can’t be a pastor, right?
• Jesus listened to women, why don’t we?
• What does the Bible say about women pastors?
• Women preachers? Where’s that in the Bible?!
• Why is the church is wrong about women?
• Who was the true pioneer of women’s education?
• How did Jesus treat women?
• Are you complementarian, egalitarian, or something else?

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Who has the authority in a marriage, the husband or the wife?

For much of human history, the men were in charge, and their wives were considered little more than property. Strangely, Paul seems to support this archaic arrangement when he tells the Corinthians:

The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. (1 Corinthians 7:4a)

In other words, she belongs to him. (Can you see the rabbis and philosophers nodding in agreement?)

But then Paul follows up with this stunner:

And likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. (1 Corinthians 7:4b)

In other words, he belongs to her.

Wait, what?

Aristotle and the sexist philosophers of Athens would’ve fallen off their stools. Men belong to their wives? Has Paul lost his marbles?

Who has the authority in a marriage? Husbands belong to their wives and wives belong to their husbands, and they both have authority over each other.

God’s original plan

If this sounds radical, it’s because we have forgotten God’s original plan. “Two shall become one” (Gen. 2:24). When two become one, each partner gives up their right to live independently of the other.

Each says, “From now on I belong to you.”

For some, this is going too far.

“I belong to no one. You’ll not tie me to the ol’ ball and chain.”

Some would rather cling to their rights than embrace another person.

But marriage is an all-or-nothing proposition. It has to be if the two are to become one. A marriage where only one partner goes all in is like a plane with only one wing. She won’t fly.

Wisdom from the most quoted woman in the Bible

Do you know which woman has the most lines in the Bible? It’s not Mary or Esther. The most quoted woman in the Bible is the Shulammite woman in the Song of Solomon.

This unnamed but wise woman knew a thing or two about love. She was the one who said:

My beloved is mine and I am his. (Song of Solomon 2:16)

This is the airborne language of love. This woman has been swept off her feet by a man who has fully given himself to her.

A few chapters later she repeats her refrain:

I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine. (Song of Solomon 6:3)

This woman does not sound like she is chafing under the shackles of wedlock.

Then a third time:

I belong to my beloved, and his desire is for me. (Song of Solomon 7:10)

Their shared love is so overwhelming, she can’t stop talking about it. “We were two, but now we are one, and I couldn’t be happier.”

When the Shulamite sings, “His desire is for me,” it’s the same word God used when he said to Eve, “Your desire will be for him.” The fall of humanity upset the harmony between the genders, but love rights the scales. “His desire will be for you.”

The Shulamite’s song is nothing like the selfish songs of the flesh. Her song tells us that in a loving relationship between two equals, submission is erotic, exciting, sensational!

Want to know what a godly partnership looks like? Then hear the words of the Shulamite.

He desires me, and I desire him. My beloved is mine and I am his.

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Running through the tapestry of human history is a sexist thread that says women are weaker and inferior to men. They are second-born and second-best.

This is what the philosophers and rabbis taught, as did the Church Fathers and theologians. John Chrysostom said the women in the Bible were occasionally admirable, “yet did they in no case outstrip the men, but occupied the second rank.”

John Calvin, the so-called reformer, said:

Let the woman be satisfied with her state of subjection, and not take it amiss that she is made inferior to the more distinguished sex.

Were there ever more shameful examples of male arrogance? Of course, we would never say such things. We know better.

The stronger sex?

Are women weaker vessels? Science tells women have better immune systems, better genes, and they live longer than men. They experience less stress and lower heart disease, and they are much less likely to start wars. Women perform better academically (when given the chance), companies run by women are more profitable, and countries led by women do better at surviving pandemics.

Are women different? Sure.

But weaker? Not a chance.

Yet here’s a phrase I’ve heard from the pulpit: “Women are ill-equipped to preach and lead. Women have more compassion, which makes them vulnerable and prone to deception. It’s all part of God’s divine order.”

Which is a roundabout way of saying that women are inferior to men.

And since women are weaker, they should never preach. Which makes perfect sense because God only uses strong capable people, right?

No, wait.

If God chooses the weak to shame the strong, wouldn’t that make women better leaders than men?

Weakness is no barrier to God. He can demonstrate his wisdom and power through anyone. But who says women are weaker? Apparently, Peter did:

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. (1 Peter 3:7)

Peter is not saying women are too weak to preach or lead. He’s saying careless husbands can render their prayers ineffective. But how do they do that? And what makes a woman the weaker partner?

Made by God

When God made the first man and woman, both were very good. One wasn’t weaker or inferior to the other.

But after the Fall, everything changed. Suddenly, men and women were no longer on an equal footing. “He will rule over you” (Gen 3:16). Because of the curse of sin, the woman found herself at a disadvantage. If women are in a weaker position, it is because they have been oppressed by a fallen world that favors men.

When Peter refers to wives as the weaker partner, he is not saying that men can do more push-ups or that females are feeble. He’s saying women are have been victims of an ancient patriarchal prejudice.

And he should know.

Every time he went to the Temple, Peter passed through the outer Women’s Court on his way to the male-only Court of Israel. Every time he went to the synagogue or every time he saw a woman get stoned for adultery, Peter was reminded that women have not had a fair shake. From the day women were born, their rights were weaker, and their prospects were bleaker.

Taking his lead from Jesus, Peter spoke out against this injustice. He encouraged women to prophesy and speak as though speaking the very words of God. He treated women with respect, and he told husbands to treat their wives as fellow heirs of grace.

This was a radical notion for Jewish men. Even today some men have trouble accepting their wives as fellow heirs and equal in the Lord.

“My wife is equal with me? I don’t think so. She’s a weaker vessel who needs to know her place.”

If that’s what you think, your prayers are going to be hindered, because God opposes proud men (1 Pet. 5:5).

Pride hinders our prayers because those who think they need nothing from God get nothing from God. This is why religious superstars are often further from grace than tax collectors and prostitutes (Matt. 21:31b).

As D.L. Moody once said, “It is to the needy that God opens the wardrobe of heaven and brings out the robe of righteousness.”

Like racists, sexist people see others as weaker or inferior. They may not say it aloud, but in their hearts they speak the language of the Pharisee.

“Thank God I’m not a foreigner or a woman.”

If you are not enjoying the grace of God in your life, it may be because you have lorded it over your wife (or husband) when you should have been treating her (or him) as a fellow heir in grace.

Grace for your marriage

Do you look down on your partner or do you submit to them in love? Do you make all the important decisions alone, or do you receive the wisdom that God gives to your other half?

Some men treat their wives poorly because that’s how they were raised. They don’t know any better. If this is you, what can you do? Peter gives practical instruction:

Be good husbands to your wives. Honor them, delight in them. As women they lack some of your advantages. But in the new life of God’s grace, you’re equals. Treat your wives, then, as equals so your prayers don’t run aground. Summing up: Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. (1 Peter 3:7–8, MSG)

It’s one thing to be humble before the Lord, but Peter exhorts us to be humble with each other and with people who are different from us.

Clothe yourselves with humility toward one another. (1 Pet. 5:5)

Women are not inferior, and neither are foreigners, Catholics, Protestants, Democrats, Republicans, divorced people, old people, young people, and single parents.

If you want more of God’s grace to flow in your life, learn to see others as Jesus sees them. The world may dismiss some people as weaker or inferior vessels, but God’s grace flows through flawed and broken people.

Even our spouses.

Fukl sources for quotes and stats are listed in the The Silent Queen. Image source

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If you have been raised with a traditional view of marriage, you’ve probably heard the husband is in charge. “In a marriage, the man is God’s delegated authority. He leads.”

It sounds Biblical, but it isn’t. It has more in common with those sexist advertisements of yesteryear than anything said by the Apostle Paul.

Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them (Col. 3:19)

The word for love (agapao) is a verb associated with the unconditional love (agape) of God. In other words, men, if you want to know what real love is like, look to Jesus who laid down his life for you. Do the same for your wife.

Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord (Col. 3:18)

This should not be read as an invitation for the husband to dominate the wife like he’s lord of the manor. Instead, it’s an invitation for the wife to submit out of love, as is fitting in the Lord. In other words, if you want to know what submission is like, look to the One who has a gentle and humble heart.

We need to take a moment to reflect on what Paul is saying, because no one ever said anything like this before.

In ancient Israel you loved your wife for as long as she provided you with children and didn’t displease you. If she failed to perform, you could replace her for a better model.

“That’s not love,” Paul would have said. “Loving your wife has nothing to do with her appearance or ability to prepare tasty meals. Nor does it have anything to do with your feelings. True love is intentional. It is choosing to love an imperfect person with the perfect love God has shown you.”

It takes two to tango and it takes two loving people to make a good marriage. It’s not always easy, but when the husband and wife both respect and prefer one another, the result is a blessed and fruitful partnership.

Love in la-la land

If you have been raised in a culture where the men rule and women do what they’re told, a marriage of equals can seem like something out of la-la land.

How can a marriage work when there are two chiefs?

It works when each chief is totally committed to the success of the other. He plays the supportive husband, and she plays the supportive wife, because both want the best for each other.

Equality in role relationships does not mean both partners take turns doing every household chore. Equality means the husband and wife are equally willing to work hard and make adjustments in their marriage. Decisions are made jointly, and the division of tasks is based on preferences rather than gender stereotypes.

But what if the two chiefs can’t agree? What then? When push comes to shove, who gets the final call?

Speaking about her relartionship with her husband, the late Rachel Held Evans offered this answer:

We never really know how to respond to this question because, frankly we don’t do a lot of “pushing and shoving” in our relationship. We’ve never reached the great hypothetical impasse that folks seem so curious about. Even when we disagree, we find compromises based on multiple factors, not a gender-based trump card.

I couldn’t agree more. Camilla and I have been married for more than 20 years and in that time, I can only think of a few occasions when we didn’t see eye to eye. Major disagreements just don’t come up that often, and when they do, they are usually no match for our mutual love and respect.

I’m not saying we’re the Von Trapp family singing away our problems…

That would be cuckoo. (Sorry, I couldn’t resist.)

But love conquers all.

Except when it doesn’t.

It’s a sad fact of life that some marriages break, and people get hurt. Those who promote traditional or patriarchal marriages believe marriages fail when partners are unwilling to accept the roles for which they are designed. “Problems arise when the men don’t lead and the women don’t submit.”

If that were true, hierarchical marriages would be the happiest and longest lasting. They are not. Research shows that the divorce rates of Christians are little different from atheists and agnostics.

Unhappy hierarchical marriages

Marriages fail because the people in them are unhappy, and the unhappiest marriages are the traditional ones.

A large study of 50,000 couples found that role relationships have a tremendous impact on marital satisfaction. Most couples in egalitarian marriages (81 percent) are happy, while most couples (82 percent) in traditional marriages are unhappy.

It’s no surprise to learn that marriages characterized by mutual respect and equality are happier. What is surprising is that many Christian marriages are intentionally unequal. They are more Athenian than Ephesian, and perhaps this is why our divorce rates are so high.

But who’s in charge?

We have been discussing love and submission, but we have skirted around the issue of who takes the lead in a marriage.

Jesus does.

He leads and guides us and shows us how to love our partners through thick and thin, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. And Jesus teaches us how to forgive, which is key to success in any relationship.

In a traditional marriage, forgiveness, like submission, is coerced from the woman. “Forgive his failings because he’s your husband.”

But true forgiveness, like submission, is something we give in response to love. We don’t forgive because we’re supposed to or because we fear divine wrath. We forgive one other as Christ forgave us.

Your partner will make mistakes, disappoint you, and let you down. When that happens, be quick to forgive. Dispense the patience and compassion that you have received from Jesus.

Let his grace heal both your wounds.

Extracted and adapted from The Silent Queen.

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Since time immemorial, men and women have been trying to get along, and the results have been occasionally spectacular but often mixed.

Even if you accept that men and women are equal in grace, there are undeniable differences between the genders. What do these differences mean, and how do they affect the way we relate to each other? Do they illuminate that ancient question of who’s the boss?

Indeed they do, said Aristotle.

Since women are excitable, while men are cool, calm and collected, wives need the steady hand of their husbands to guide them. An ideal marriage, said the philosopher, is one where the rational man rules his emotional wife the same way a soul rules its body.

“What nonsense,” said the Apostle Paul. “A man is not the soul of a marriage. He’s the head” (1 Cor. 11:3, Eph. 5:23).

But what does that mean?

According to the English theologian Matthew Poole, it means the husband is in charge:

The man is called the head of the woman, because by God’s ordinance he is to rule over her. He has an excellency above the woman, and a power over her.

Like Aristotle, Poole believed the husband to be superior to the wife for the same reason that “the head in the natural body, being the seat of reason, and the fountain of sense and motion, is more excellent than the rest of the body.”

Albert Barnes, an American theologian, said that the headship of the husband meant the complete subjection of the wife.

In all circumstances—in her demeanor, her dress, her conversation, in public and in the family circle—(she) should recognize her subordination to him.

For 2,000 years, theologians have been parroting Aristotle’s dribble about husbands being the rational rulers of their marriages. Wives are delicate creatures, easily upset. They need the cool-headed authority of their superior husbands.

But Jesus said no such thing, and nor did the apostles.

When Paul said the husband is the head of the wife, he did not mean he is the king or the boss of the home. He was talking about actual heads, like the one found on the top of your neck.

“Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies” (Eph. 5:28). Just as a head supports the body, the body supports the head. Paul was talking about the unity of marriage and how husbands and wives are mutually dependent.

For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. (Eph. 5:23)

Paul is not saying husbands are their wives’ saviors; Christ alone is our Savior. But the manner in which Christ saves—by laying down his body for the church—is the manner in which a husband serves his wife.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. (Eph. 5:25)

Just as the love of God is revealed in a death, biblical headship is revealed in sacrifice. In the same way that Christ gave himself up for the church, the husband gives himself up for his wife. He crawls through traffic, fights grizzly bears, and catches bullets for her.

The husband puts his wife’s needs and interests ahead of his own because he values her more highly than his own life.

Source: The Silent Queen.

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Rebekah at the Well, by Michael Deas

You probably know that I have written a book about women. You may be wondering about my agenda.

“What are Paul’s views on gender roles? Is he a complementarian or an egalitarian? Does he support traditional arrangements where the man is in charge or does he promote equality?”

Full disclosure: I believe in the equality of the new creation.

It is my conviction that if we are to return to God’s ways, and follow the example set by Jesus, equality and mutual respect are essential. Black or white, male or female – all are precious in God’s eyes. All are equal in grace.

But I am not a rabid egalitarian. Let me explain.

On the one hand, I am convinced that equality protects us from the abuses of hierarchy and the misuse of authority. But on the other, I fear the dogged pursuit of equality can hinder authentic relationships.

The name of the game is love

Like a referee, equality is essential, but it’s not the game. Jesus never said his disciples would be known for their equality and sense of fair play. We are to be known for the way we serve, respect, and prefer one another. If we settle for equality, there’s a danger we will fall short of all that God has in store for us, particularly in our marriages.

So even though I believe in treating everyone equally, let me say that equality is not the goal; love is. And true love is so other-focused, that equality doesn’t come into it.

In an essay entitled “Equality,” C.S. Lewis compared equality to medicine, which is good when we are ill, but is otherwise no good at all. As medicine is no substitute for nourishing food, equality is not the substance of love and life.

Have as much equality as you please—the more the better—in our marriage laws, but at some level consent to inequality, nay, delight in inequality, (as) an erotic necessity…. Let us wear equality; but let us undress every night.

A good marriage is a partnership between equals who ironically don’t see themselves as equal. The husband loves his wife more than his own life, and the wife submits to her husband as to the Lord. Each prefers the other to themselves.

In such a marriage, there is no score-keeping to ensure both partners are pulling their weight. Rather, each aspires to love at all times and excel in the gentle grace of giving.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. (Ephesians 4:2)

Equality in the new creation

To see how well you’re getting this, let me ask one of the most provocative questions around: Should wives submit to their husbands? There are three ways to answer this question.

The traditional answer is that wives should always submit because “it’s commanded in scripture.”

However, this approach leads to imbalanced and unhappy marriages that are burdened with the heavy yoke of law. Even if the husband is a good leader and the wife a good follower, the pursuit of intimacy will be frustrated by the partitioning of the partnership.

How can they be truly together while he’s up there and she’s down here? The horns of hierarchy can only add discord to the marriage melody.

The egalitarian answer is that wives should never submit because doing so leads to abuse and the perpetuation of patriarchy.

However, the egalitarian response, like the traditional one, undermines a marriage for it replaces one law (submission) with another (equality), and any law will minister death.

This may come as a shock to those in the egalitarian camp, but the pursuit of equality can shipwreck your marriage. A woman who is mindful of boundaries and maintaining her position may never experience abuse, but nor will she experience authentic love. How can she when her heart is constantly guarded?

The third and biblical answer to this question is that husbands and wives who freely submit to each other—who are tolerant, tender-hearted, kind and caring, always seeking to edify and serve the other—infuse their marriage with the sweet fragrance of Jesus. In their union, they experience heaven on earth.

Traditional and egalitarian marriages may get a taste, but they never enjoy the full riches of heavenly submission. How can they, when love is demanded rather than given?

A wife who demands respect from her husband denies him the joy of giving it, and in denying him that freedom, she undermines her marriage.

But a wife who dares to surrender, who gives respect and trusts her husband, will inspire him to joyfully go all in. Her vulnerability will empower him to love far more than he might have accomplished on his own because we this is what we were made for.

Equality is not the end game in the war on gender discrimination; it’s the starting point for the new creation. Equality is a good thing, but what we do with it is far more important.

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