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Bad theology hurts women. Sometimes it even kills them.

In his book Ten Lies the Church Tells Women, Lee Grady tells the story of a woman called Doris who suffered through an abusive marriage. Doris’s husband, the head deacon at their church, would sometimes come home from work in a rage and physically assault his wife.

For a long time, Doris said nothing. But after the violence began to escalate, she turned to their pastor for help.

“He’s your husband,” said the pastor. “You can’t leave him. He has authority over you. You must be making him angry.”

Doris meekly returned home believing that she was somehow responsible for the abuse she was suffering. Nothing changed. Her husband continued to beat her, and eventually, he killed her.

Doris’s story is hardly unique. I have had female readers tell me similar stories. “My husband was abusive, but my church said I had to forgive him and stay with him.” And I’ve had male readers say similar things as well, but not as many.

Grady reports that in the United States, religious homes are ranked second highest in incidents of domestic abuse. Only the homes of alcoholics are worse.

Why do so many religious men abuse their wives? It might have something to do with this verse:

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. (Eph. 5:22)

This scripture is part of a two-punch combination that misguided men have inflicted upon women. Apparently, Ephesians 5 says wives must submit to abusive husbands, while Matthew 5 says they can never walk away.

Of course, these scriptures say no such thing. But read them through a patriarchal lens and you’ll think they do.

Unhealthy submission

“Let women be subject to their husbands as to a lord.” That’s how Thomas Aquinas read Ephesians 5. Aquinas said the relationship between a husband and a wife is “like that of a master to his servant.”

Although the husband is not really a lord, his wife submits to him as though he were.

Many Church Fathers and theologians taught that wives are meant to serve their husbands. Augustine said, “It is the natural order among people that women serve their husbands and children their parents, because the justice of this lies in that the lesser serves the greater.”

The first duty of a wife, said the Puritan John Dod (1549–1645), is to fear her husband. Her second duty, “is constant obedience and subjection… she must resolve to obey him in all things.”

Although the trend these days is towards equality in marriage, much of the Christian world remains committed to traditional roles of hierarchy. And this is understandable, because Paul told wives to submit to their husbands. It’s right there in black and white.

Submit.

For some, this is the most dangerous word in the Bible. It’s medieval. It opens the door to all kinds of abuse. Surely no other word has been the cause of as much physical and psychological damage.

But is it possible that submit does not mean what we think it means?

Could it be that this word, like the words repent, confess, obedience, and love, has been so mangled by manmade tradition that it no longer bears any resemblance to its original meaning?

Submission, as modeled by Jesus and described by Paul, stems from love, not power. Submission is not forced on us from above; it is something we offer to another. It’s choosing to surrender because we want to, not because we have to.

We yield to the other because we love and respect them. Indeed, submission is the essence of love. It is saying, “Because I love you, I choose to put you first.”

The apostle we read at weddings

This weekend, at weddings all over the world, thousands of people will hear the following words from the Apostle Paul: “Love is patient, love is kind, love is not self-seeking” (1 Cor. 13:4–5).

On the subject of love, there was no greater authority. Paul understood that true love does not seek its own, but is other-focused. Love says, “How can I put the needs of the one I love ahead of my own needs? How can I put the other one first?”

The choice to freely give yourself to another human being—a husband, a wife, a child, a friend—for no other reason than you love them, is a tremendous risk. In fact, it is probably the greatest risk you can take. But when you have someone you truly love, you’ll happily take the risk because you love them.

And if they happen to love you back—well, there’s no greater thrill in the world.

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“Sounds great, Paul, but what if the husband is abusive?” For answers to tough questions like this and practical tips for a heavenly marriage, check out my latest ebook, Should Wives Submit to their Husbands? What if he’s a Jerk? Available now for monthly supporters on Patreon and Donorbox.

When Camilla and I were writing our wedding vows, my future wife told me that she had a problem with the word submit. We had dug up some traditional vows based on Ephesians 5:22: “I promise to love, cherish and submit to my husband as to the Lord.”

“I’m not going to say that,” said Camilla.

I didn’t really think she would. Danish women are fiercely independent. They don’t submit to anyone anywhere.

In the end, we opted for a watered-down version of that passage. But if we were to redo our vows today, neither one of us would have a problem saying the word submit. In fact, we would relish it because we have learned the true meaning of submission.

What does it mean to submit?

When we think of submission, we tend to think of the strong dominating the weak. We picture wrestling holds and being beaten into submission. We think of kings ruling over subjects, and husbands lording it over wives. But this is not the sort of submission that Paul is talking about in Ephesians 5.

Want to know what submission is really like? Look to that wonderful union we recognize as the Godhead. See God the Son submitting in all things to God the Father. See God the Father giving the Son a Name above all names. See the Son bragging about the Spirit, and the Spirit testifying of the Son.

Surely submission is one of God’s most beautiful ideas. It is the very essence of other-focused love.

Who submits?

In a marriage, who submits to whom? Do husbands submit or wives?

Many churchgoers familiar with Ephesians 5 would say that wives submit, but the biblical answer is both. “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Eph. 5:21). Husbands put wives first, wives put husbands first, and that’s the recipe for a happy marriage.

At least that’s the theory.

In reality, what sometimes happens is that only one of the partners submits, and the result is an imbalanced relationship. Whenever you have a meek wife submitting to a domineering husband or a gentle man yielding to a strong-willed woman, you have a marriage that’s out of whack. It will take considerable effort from the long-suffering partner to keep the marriage going.

And this is why Paul speaks to both husbands and wives.

Like a director dispensing lines in a play, he wants both actors to understand their roles. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved his church, and wives are to respect and submit to their husbands, as to the Lord.

As long as the husband concerns himself with his part, and the wife concerns herself with hers, all will be well. But as soon as the husband starts reminding the wife of her lines—“Woman, submit!”—there will be trouble.

And trouble there is, because the church teaches only half of Paul’s message. It tells wives to submit but it rarely says the same thing to husbands. Which is surprising because in Ephesians the emphasis is the other way around. Paul spends more time talking to husbands than to wives. Wives get three verses; husbands get nine.

If we are to teach submission, let us do it the way Paul did it. Let us right the imbalances of history by encouraging men to lead the way.

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Extracted from Paul’s latest ebook, Should Wives Submit to their Husbands? What if he’s a Jerk? available now for monthly supporters on Patreon and Donorbox.